Unwilling

I have been in Florida helping the 'rents for about a month. My mom is still in the nursing home and my dad is unable to drive, so I have been the chauffer to here, there and everywhere.

This morning, he knocks on my door and opens it. I am still asleep. It is 8am.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

One eye opens and I gaze around the room.

"Ready? Uh, no," I say, sitting up.

"Humph," he says, and turns to hobble away.

"But I can get ready," I offer to his retreating back.

I dutifully get up, grab some clothes and hustle into the bathroom. I come out a short 3 minutes later and wander down the hallway wondering what appointment I have forgotten. Dad can't be found. I go to the front door and find him sitting in the front seat of the van with his big hands resting on the top of the cane between his knees. I wave but he is too blind to see. Grabbing the keys, I book it out into the already scorching heat.

"Where to?" I venture, hoping I won't encourage his ire if the destination should already be known to me.

"We need a mattress pad."

We do? Hmm.

"So, where to?" I ask again.

"Gainesville, I guess."

As we make our way, we attempt conversation, but it is difficult. His right ear is the good ear and everything I say must be repeated (often more than once) and he tires easily. He and I watched some of the Little League World Series the night before and I tell him what happened after he went to bed. He tells me a "Johnny" joke.

The coach calls little Johnny over and says, "Johnny, now you know we don't use bad language in baseball."
"No, sir," Johnny says.
"And we don't call people names or insult them."
"No, sir."
"And we never shout at the umpire or threaten his life in any way."
"No, sir, I would never do that."
"Well," the coach says, "would you please go tell your mother all that?"

And I laugh, remembering how often I might have deserved a reminder during the boys' high school games. We are smiling as we go a few miles lost in our own worlds and then he says, "Your mother wants to come home."

"Yes sir, she sure does."

"I think..." he begins, "I think we will be alot closer when she does."

He leans his head back and falls asleep. Big tears well up, and I feel so many things. So sad and mad and grateful...and the love! The love just about kills me.

There are so many things I still don't know, but I do know I am not ready. Each day brings us closer to an ending, a seperation, a goodbye. But I am not ready. Not yet.

Not yet.