I Promise NOT To

Recently, as my ample proportions have become less generous, I have noticed an alarming new addiction to change. I am trying new foods(gasp), listening to new artists, reading new authors... you get the picture. It feels kinda liberating, if you must know.


Naturally, my mother isn't always thrilled. Especially, it seems, about my new wardrobe (size 16! YAY me!). And so, I have decided to make a few declarations about what I will and won't do in the coming days in Slim-town:

I Solemnly Swear To:

- Always wear a bra
And this hurts me because I think I would look so hip in one of those halter thingys. But let's face it, the bottoms of my boobs would get rug burn and there is absolutely nothing hip about that.
- Avoid Spandex
Again, this is something I have kinda looked forward to since this is the skinny girls version of elastic waisted pants. But when there is no delineation between your thighs and your calves save for the amount of dimpling, you are setting yourself up for some ridicule. I know this because I am the one usually doing the nasty face/gag me gestures in the WalMart parking lot.
- Keep the hemline age appropriate
As many of you know, I can get myself into alot of trouble wearing a skirt and there is no sense in adding the possibility of a "Brittany" to the list of nasty foibles. Of course, I never go commando...Huh...
- Keep the neckline modest
You know, with boobs like mine, there is little reason to show skin. They are the first thing people see (since they usually enter a room way before the rest of me shows up) and the first thing they see in their mind's eye when they are called upon to remember me. So, with that in mind, this one is easy to promise.
- Never wear a thong
OK, here's the thing. Even at my current enviable weight (not really. I just wanted to write that.) it would still require two men and a boy to get me out of one. (One, Two, Three PULL!)
- Always say Thank You
I have had very few instances of people coming up to me to tell me how ravishing I look (though that day is coming, by golly) but when it starts, I promise to never take it for granted, to always smile and in my most sincere and gracious tone, receive the praise.


Until then, never fear! Mother is here to remind me to change my shorty-shorts, throw away my sleeve-less hoochy shirt and consider donating my thigh high boots to the Bad Boy Clubs auxiliary, The "Love You Long Time" Girls. You can count on her to keep me in line.

I could be wrong (what?) but I think I need a break. After shuttling and shopping, loading and unloading, cooking and cleaning...and let's not forget listening without retort...I am a bit bushed.

Mother says I do too much. Of course, that's after she asks me to "run the sweeper", "fetch the laundry" and "do up those dishes". I really don't mind the grind. They are appreciative and are always trying to stuff money in my pockets. I love the idea of taking pressure off them and am happy to be able to do it.

It's just that it constantly reminds me how quickly I will be in their shoes. I am always wondering if I am living the fullest, best life...if I will get to the end and regret the decisions I made (or didn't make)along the way.

Of course, up to now I have been on auto-pilot for the most part. Went to college, got married, had 3 (perfect) children...I've done what was expected of me, if little else. It's been a good life, one many women would enjoy very much.

This is the itch, isn't it? That dreaded mid-life crisis thing that begins after the empty nest syndrome, where you start dreaming of what could've been and begin convincing yourself you could do better, be happier, live more.

I asked my Dad if he ever experienced it and he smiled and said he thought about leaving my mother, could've left her, but he made a promise to her to always be there to protect her and though imperfect, he was a man of his word.

A few days later I asked my mother the same question. She has regaled us with stories over the years of all the men who courted her who turned out to be successful, wealthy men, and I am sure she was thinking about them while she paused to answer. Finally, she said, "Well, early on if I had left I wouldn't have you. Later, we had the ministry...and really, God is what held our marriage together. Who knows where we would be now without that."

Where, indeed.

I think when a person suffers a mid-life crisis, they've begun to ask, "Is this all there is?" They have started to wonder if they will ever feel a powerful, over-whelming sensation or emotion ever again. They are sensing the possibility, the very real possibility that the end of their days will be spent coasting out, living on the periphery of other people's lives. Going through the motions, but really just making themselves as comfortable as possible while they wait to die. One year fading into the next with nothing to distinguish one from the other at the end.

Not to depress you or anything, dear Reader, but I bring this to your attention in the hopes that I can encourage you to either closely examine your habits, your beliefs, your priorities and realign them with "Maximum Living" in mind or stay away from old folks. For real. Because their rickety bones and gnarled fingers are gonna get you thinkin'...

I, for one, require some realignment...possibly an entire overhaul. It will be expensive in emotion and addled with adversity, but the people who love me now will love me in the end, right? And if you get to the end and can at least say you gave it your best shot, that will be enough, yes?

Well, that's what I think, anyway. But we all know I'm a bit of a goofball, so it could be that I am 100% wrong...(What?)