I could be wrong (what?) but I think I need a break. After shuttling and shopping, loading and unloading, cooking and cleaning...and let's not forget listening without retort...I am a bit bushed.

Mother says I do too much. Of course, that's after she asks me to "run the sweeper", "fetch the laundry" and "do up those dishes". I really don't mind the grind. They are appreciative and are always trying to stuff money in my pockets. I love the idea of taking pressure off them and am happy to be able to do it.

It's just that it constantly reminds me how quickly I will be in their shoes. I am always wondering if I am living the fullest, best life...if I will get to the end and regret the decisions I made (or didn't make)along the way.

Of course, up to now I have been on auto-pilot for the most part. Went to college, got married, had 3 (perfect) children...I've done what was expected of me, if little else. It's been a good life, one many women would enjoy very much.

This is the itch, isn't it? That dreaded mid-life crisis thing that begins after the empty nest syndrome, where you start dreaming of what could've been and begin convincing yourself you could do better, be happier, live more.

I asked my Dad if he ever experienced it and he smiled and said he thought about leaving my mother, could've left her, but he made a promise to her to always be there to protect her and though imperfect, he was a man of his word.

A few days later I asked my mother the same question. She has regaled us with stories over the years of all the men who courted her who turned out to be successful, wealthy men, and I am sure she was thinking about them while she paused to answer. Finally, she said, "Well, early on if I had left I wouldn't have you. Later, we had the ministry...and really, God is what held our marriage together. Who knows where we would be now without that."

Where, indeed.

I think when a person suffers a mid-life crisis, they've begun to ask, "Is this all there is?" They have started to wonder if they will ever feel a powerful, over-whelming sensation or emotion ever again. They are sensing the possibility, the very real possibility that the end of their days will be spent coasting out, living on the periphery of other people's lives. Going through the motions, but really just making themselves as comfortable as possible while they wait to die. One year fading into the next with nothing to distinguish one from the other at the end.

Not to depress you or anything, dear Reader, but I bring this to your attention in the hopes that I can encourage you to either closely examine your habits, your beliefs, your priorities and realign them with "Maximum Living" in mind or stay away from old folks. For real. Because their rickety bones and gnarled fingers are gonna get you thinkin'...

I, for one, require some realignment...possibly an entire overhaul. It will be expensive in emotion and addled with adversity, but the people who love me now will love me in the end, right? And if you get to the end and can at least say you gave it your best shot, that will be enough, yes?

Well, that's what I think, anyway. But we all know I'm a bit of a goofball, so it could be that I am 100% wrong...(What?)