I Promise NOT To

Recently, as my ample proportions have become less generous, I have noticed an alarming new addiction to change. I am trying new foods(gasp), listening to new artists, reading new authors... you get the picture. It feels kinda liberating, if you must know.


Naturally, my mother isn't always thrilled. Especially, it seems, about my new wardrobe (size 16! YAY me!). And so, I have decided to make a few declarations about what I will and won't do in the coming days in Slim-town:

I Solemnly Swear To:

- Always wear a bra
And this hurts me because I think I would look so hip in one of those halter thingys. But let's face it, the bottoms of my boobs would get rug burn and there is absolutely nothing hip about that.
- Avoid Spandex
Again, this is something I have kinda looked forward to since this is the skinny girls version of elastic waisted pants. But when there is no delineation between your thighs and your calves save for the amount of dimpling, you are setting yourself up for some ridicule. I know this because I am the one usually doing the nasty face/gag me gestures in the WalMart parking lot.
- Keep the hemline age appropriate
As many of you know, I can get myself into alot of trouble wearing a skirt and there is no sense in adding the possibility of a "Brittany" to the list of nasty foibles. Of course, I never go commando...Huh...
- Keep the neckline modest
You know, with boobs like mine, there is little reason to show skin. They are the first thing people see (since they usually enter a room way before the rest of me shows up) and the first thing they see in their mind's eye when they are called upon to remember me. So, with that in mind, this one is easy to promise.
- Never wear a thong
OK, here's the thing. Even at my current enviable weight (not really. I just wanted to write that.) it would still require two men and a boy to get me out of one. (One, Two, Three PULL!)
- Always say Thank You
I have had very few instances of people coming up to me to tell me how ravishing I look (though that day is coming, by golly) but when it starts, I promise to never take it for granted, to always smile and in my most sincere and gracious tone, receive the praise.


Until then, never fear! Mother is here to remind me to change my shorty-shorts, throw away my sleeve-less hoochy shirt and consider donating my thigh high boots to the Bad Boy Clubs auxiliary, The "Love You Long Time" Girls. You can count on her to keep me in line.